i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
