I CAN MOONWALK!
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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