I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize