I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
