Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
