I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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