he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
