No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
