I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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