mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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