You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Im part way to drunk.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize