So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
