I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
My vagina just recognized that song.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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