wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
