At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
