Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
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