I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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