who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
