i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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