I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
