I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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