come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
