It's Friday. Sex?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
