I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
