I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
