sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I didn't notice because vodka
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
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