They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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