I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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