And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
