I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize