at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
