I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
This is the high leading the old right now
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
