i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
