she looked like the before picture.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
