Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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