I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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