this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
