I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
