HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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