My friends, they love my intelligence
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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