Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
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