At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
My liver just broke up with me...
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize