all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Those nachos came to me in a dream
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
