so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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