I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
