You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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