I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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