can we get nightvision for the apartment?
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize