i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
nutella sex= disaster
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
