Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
