The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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