her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize