2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
