Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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