Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
